More than the Mommy in the Mirror

Recently, I've been going through what I know a lot of moms (esp. SAHMs) can empathize with; the quest to find a self-identity in the midst of being a mom. When you first become a mom, nothing else in the whole world matters, and you're OK with that. You're just reveling in the glory of your new baby and your new role in life. But as time goes by, if you're like most SAHMs, you discover that your "new role in life" has completely taken over your life, and that there is no other aspect to who you are. You're just "mom."

This "identity crisis" really hit me hard in the past few months. As much as I love being Aria's mommy, and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, I was starting to realize that there was little else that defined my existence. Even my relationship with my hubby had been infringed upon, because no matter how you look at it, you're not just a couple anymore: you're parents. It's so easy to let who you are become completely enveloped in your little one. And that's not all bad; it means you love your child deeply, and later on in life they will really (hopefully) appreciate it. But you still need to find you, just like I needed to find me.

When you describe yourself, what words do you use? I was noticing this the other day - all over the internet, wherever you go, you're usually asked to make a profile of some kind. Here on Blogger, on Facebook, Twitter, any other blogs of forums you belong to - they all ask you to make a simple or detailed profile of yourself. That little "about me" tab gets me every time. Who am I? The first words that always go in that box for me is "mom and wife." But what else? What else describes me?


This has triggered a lot of thought for me, so I went to some of my older profiles from extinct websites and social networks (Xenga, anyone?), and looked to see what words I had used to describe myself as in my past. "Musician, singer" were a couple defining words; I had described myself as "artsy, social, outgoing" and that I enjoyed concerts, sports, and good food. I wanted to be a professional musician or music critic. My goodness, how time as changed things. Now in reality, not all those things are far off from who I am now; I still enjoy all of those things, I still consider myself a musician and somewhat outgoing, but when I stopped to think about it, I couldn't really zero in on any aspect of my existing life that someone could look at and say, "Aha! That woman is a singer!" ... I just took for granted that that was still a part of me (and for the record, nothing could change that, it will always be a part of me, I just needed to reintegrate it into my life.)

The twinge of "regret" for us as moms comes in when we realize there is no "self-identity" anymore... who you were has changed. Not just your life - you. But you still need to find things that define you. You can't just morph into someone else and leave your interests and hobbies permanently behind. What will happen when your kids leave? Will you just cease to exist?

I decided to find things that I enjoyed doing that could be done at home with Aria. I started making decorations for my home on my own. I watch a lot of episodes of "Design on a Dime" during Aria's nap time, and got some great ideas for how I could do the same thing to our little apartment. You've seen some of my project here on the blog. Even just moving around furniture, rearranging the bookcases, and re-organizing things can give you a sense of accomplishment and "nesting." Don't like the beat-up, outdated finish on your old dresser? Repaint it! Look up a cool way to refinish the surface on it, and you have a new piece! There are some great ways to make cheap, personal artwork for your walls that will help you satiate the inner artist during your kids' nap time! Just find something you enjoy doing, and take a few minutes 3-4 days out of your week and indulge; whether that's catching up on the latest bestseller while soaking in a tub, throwing around a basketball in the drive way or getting all crafty like me. Even blogging can help, especially if  "writer" is a word you use to describe yourself. If you don't find something to express who you are, you'll lose who you are.

My challenge to you today is to look in the mirror and find another word to describe you other than "mommy" and comment below to tell me who or what that is and how you're going to "rediscover" that aspect of yourself. The "new you" doesn't have to be boring :)